


You Stand Differently

by HermioneSpencer



Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: And kind of angsty, F/F, I'm not sure what this is, Super SoccerCop, it's kind of fluffy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-31
Updated: 2016-03-31
Packaged: 2018-05-30 07:27:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,949
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6414466
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HermioneSpencer/pseuds/HermioneSpencer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Beth asks a difficult question about their relationship, Alison answers in the only way she can understand it herself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You Stand Differently

Alison never slouched.

She hadn’t always stood tall; an overbearing mother, constant disappointment, depraved neighbours and an unhappy marriage had seen to the bend in her spine that had led all the way up to her neck, causing her to look down, down, always down. Never-in-your-face Alison or quiet-as-a-church-mouse Alison, she had grown – or rather, shrunk into a meek woman.

But this is not the Alison we know.

The Alison we know stands almost as if she had had a metre rule sellotaped to her back on an irresponsible night in her craft room, she walks as if she’d rather spin sideways that allow her gait to change the height at which she stands.

The Alison we don’t know turned into the Alison we do know because of one person.

Her name was Elizabeth Childs.

What many people do not realise is that before Beth killed herself by throwing herself in front of a train at Huxley Station, she had already changed the lives of at least three clones before Sarah Manning took on the role of catalyst.

Katja Obinger, a native German, had contacted Beth – a detective in the police force – detailing the situation of a mysterious figure wiping out the European clones, along with news of a disease that nobody seemed able to figure out, let alone cure.

Beth, proactive until her last breath under cold steel, had gathered a prudent number of clones in North America to avoid too much notice and began sorting out the mess that she found herself in.

Namely, two clones; Cosima Niehaus – who immediately changed her Ph.D. course to evolutionary development, allowing the clones a way into exploring who they were and getting access to some real answers – and Alison Hendrix, an affluent family woman who could provide pecuniary support for any endeavours that Beth thought may need to be explored.

None of the three North American clones could have anticipated the change that was going to occur, but that does not necessarily mean that the surprise was a bad thing.

Cosima, stuck now in Minnesota where she had transferred to follow the biological answers, did not get to see much of her newfound family, and part of her was quite relieved about that. It was easier to deal with (for now) from a distance, merely talking to a voice that sounded startlingly close to her own. It didn’t make everything quite so real…quite so…surreal…

But Beth and Alison were in relatively close proximity and the both of them, distinctly unhappy in their respective relationships that neither seemed to be able to get out of, found a sort of solace in the other. Alison provided for Beth a reality that Paul didn’t know about, she was someone that Beth could escape to (not from, for once), and finally be truly honest to; honest about the pills, honest about the booze, honest about what really happened with Maggie Chen. With so much to hide, Beth was beginning to feel pressed in at all sides, but Alison never judged her. If anything, she admired her.

For Alison, Beth provided something else entirely. In all of her life, no one had ever treated Alison the same way Beth did, and it confused her, at first. She initially thought she was being mocked by this woman with her face, but one evening really changed things for her, an evening that turned out to be one of the most important lessons she would ever learn.

This particular evening, the two women had taken a trip to Beth’s favourite park. It was very late out, but it was one of those painfully rare days when they had nowhere to be. Paul was off somewhere being emotionally absent as usual, and Donnie had gone on a golfing weekend in the north. Alison’s children, Oscar and Gemma, had been invited to a birthday party and sleepover. The two women could not overstate their gratitude to whatever force of nature or higher power had allowed them this day (and now evening) together.

But something had been off the whole night. Alison couldn’t put a finger on it, but she knew something was deeply troubling Beth. 

Sitting on that park bench, looking out at the calm, dark lake with a crescent moon reflected shakily on its silken surface, Alison decided to tackle the issue head on.

“What’s wrong, Beth?”

“Huh?” the detective responded, her eyes flitting up to meet those of her lover, with whom only two weeks prior, she had shared such delicate intimacy with for the first time.

“What’s causing that little crease between your eyebrows? Something is wrong, and I want to know if I can help.” Alison said, lifting a hand up to Beth’s cheek, speaking softly.

She could tell that Beth was considering answering; it was in her eyes, which Alison had learnt to see held so much more of her lover’s emotions than any other part of her.

“Ali… I- I’ve been thinking about us a lot. Since we…” she did not need to finish that sentence, Alison understood perfectly. She did not, however, understand why Beth looked so upset about it. For Alison, it had been an intimate awakening, a call to… to something, and it had brought her closer to Beth, in body and in spirit.

“What about us, Beth?” Alison asked, stroking the knuckle of her index finger back and forth along Beth’s jaw in an attempt to calm her. It seemed to work somewhat, because Beth’s shoulder’s relaxed, soothing the tension she held bunched up around her neck and back.

“I was wondering if it was- oh, I’m not sure how to say this. Are we really… self-indulgent? How egotistical are we? To have done what we have… to feel as strongly as I do for you, Ali… it feels so right and so good until I remember what we are, and the good thing we have turns sour.”

Beth stopped talking, worried that she had upset the fragile woman she had shared a bed and was now sharing a bench with. Alison was silent for a long time but did not stop her soft caress of Beth’s jaw.

Finally, she spoke.

“You stand differently.”

“I- what?” Beth asked, confused at the change of topic.

“You stand differently. So differently. I would be lying if I said I have not thought about your worries myself, but you stand so differently.”

“What has my posture got to do with it?” Beth laughed half-heartedly through nearly formed tears, her voice shaking a little. But she was willing to hear Alison out.

“My whole life, I have always sort of hunched a little bit, you know? I can’t say for sure why that is, but I’m fairly certain that it’s because my mother is spawn of the devil, I have always seemed to disappoint her somehow as well, I have cruel neighbours whom I pretend are my friends out of fear, and I have been with the same man since college, even though I am the only person who would be mad enough to settle for him. I slouch and I find it difficult to look people in the eye…because I have no confidence in who I am as a person.

“But you, Beth… you stand so differently. You stand tall like you know exactly who you are; you know where you’ve come from and you’re dealing with it in your own way. You stand like you know where you’re going in life.”

Beth's gaze shifted from Alison’s eyes to the grass under their feet.

“From the moment I saw you, I knew that… I knew that I was attracted to you; we are the same, and you are somebody who could easily have turned out as weak and meek as I have, but instead you became a police officer and have already gone above and beyond the call of duty to ensure that Cosima, Katja and I stay safe. Hell, even the ones I have no idea about. I cannot explain why it is that I feel for you, but I know for sure that I admire and respect you above all things. The love I feel for you is strong – oh God, Beth, is it strong, sometimes overwhelmingly so – but the fact that you stand so differently is what draws me to you. You command with your voice, you say what you feel, you’re honest with me, you walk like you’re going somewhere, you smile as if you know how it makes me feel to see it and you touch me like you have won the lottery. We may look the same, but we are not the same. And there is no narcissism in that.”

Beth was crying openly now, and she leant her head forward to rest it on Alison’s shoulder. They hugged tightly for some time, comprehending the words that Alison had confessed to the mini-universe that they inhabited, letting them solidify, become real, become the truth.

Beth pulled away from the hug only to lead Alison into a deep kiss, communicating her own love for the other girl as well as she could. But she found strength in Alison’s lips and she realised she could say whatever she wanted to now.

“You’re right, we are different, but it does not need to be pronounced in the way you stress it. Ali, I love you so much, and if there is one thing I want you to remember, it’s that you have every reason to stand tall. You are just as deserving of respect as you believe I am – if not more. You have found the difference between us, which lied within,” Beth said, kissing Alison’s right temple, “but to the rest of the world, we are one and the same, and you must think about that. People see me and they will see you too, therefore, you can stand as tall as you want. No one dares to challenge how tall I stand because I look people in the eye and dare them to take it away from me. If you do that too, you’ve commanded their respect for you by giving them an image of who you can be. You know very well that I do not feel half as confident as I seem. No one is stopping you from standing tall, my love, only yourself. From now on… stand tall for me, okay? Every day, get up and know that everyone on this Earth is worthy of respect, including yourself, but only if it goes two ways. So stand tall for me. Promise me. Promise me you will, my love.”

“I promise, Beth.” They kissed again, the silence that was formerly so foreboding now as comfortable as a thick blanket on a winter’s night.

From that moment on, Alison did stand tall. She found strength in her unconventional love for her body double and looked people in the eye. She remained as nervous as ever, touching her neck and face perhaps a little too often, revealing her insecurities, but she found that Beth was right. Respect is a two-way thing. She learnt this lesson properly when she met Sarah; you cannot command respect from someone you do not respect yourself. You don’t deserve it. And that’s when she realised that Beth had been telling the truth; she had respected Alison…stupid, suburban Alison. So she stood tall, every day. Learning of Beth’s suicide had ripped her apart, but she kept her promise, and never slouched again, because Beth had loved her like no one else ever had before, how Donnie was only now beginning to; like a real person, with her own mind.


End file.
